Nashville Report Card: Season 2, Episode 6

Nashville Week 6: “What a Smashing Positively Dashing Spectacle, the [Belle Meade] Opening Day”

“Pulses Rushing…Faces Flushing…Heartbeats Speed Up….I Have Never Been so Keyed up!!!!”

Anyway, Wikipedia says that bell means the report card is about to start!

This week we have the episode where the characters got to the table read and apparently threw their keys in a bowl. Seriously, if there is this much action to be had in Nashville, maybe I should consider a move?

• Rayna “Big Hat” Jaymes: B

First of all, a lady of your age and status should not giggle on a Robin Roberts interview. But kudos to you for putting it out there to get what you want. A woman with a fierce independent streak will always get points in my book. And her “warning” to Juliette seemed right on point to me…as much as Juliette doesn’t like it, Rayna is kind of a mentor/childhood idol. It’s nice to have her kind of be the voice of conscience…that gets ignored. And Ray gets a million sister points. I love her relationship with Tandy. Interested to see what happens when she learns Tandy is the Wyatt Family Mole.

• Rayna’s Hair and Wardrobe: A

Don’t worry, Ray, I have a tortured love/hate relationship with big hats, too. I love the clothes she wears around her house to have coffee. I mean, that’s my usual outfit too, if you replace real fashion with sweat pants and use dog hair as your primary accessory. Her dress was gorgeous though (Tandy’s was horrible! Looked like a Grandma's couch!) and her hair, flawless as always. Liked Rayna's white hat vs. Tandy's black hat. This, the show where they take metaphors and then bang you over the head with them.

• Freakin’ Deacon “No Snails or Sushi” Claybourne: B

Insert sad, plunky piano here. Your hand is busted, but you’re right – you got another! So stop making me feel sorry for you. You have a hot lady friend who walks around your house half-dressed, no visible responsibility, and apparently enough money to make that work. That sounds like the jackpot! Just keep taking that shirt off. Although the suit was great. Mmmmmm, good man in a suit.

• Rayna/Deacon: F

They didn’t look like they wanted to throw themselves at each other at all! Awkward and uncomfortable does not work for them…it wasn’t even the sexy tension where they make distraught eyes at each other. True Love Fail!

• Luke “Hands off the” Wheeler: C+

First off, I thought of a very similar nickname LAST WEEK and didn't use it and now look how I am re-payed, upstaged by the writers! Anyway, am I supposed to like him? I can’t tell if he’s awesome or skeevy. The accent is so fake it’s hard to look past it. And seriously, Ray, how did that kiss surprise you? He did everything right, he did exactly what the book said. He let his actions speak. That’s the romantic way to do this, damnit! (OK, I hope more than ONE of you will get that) I love that he checked with D (or started to) to see if he and Ray were through…Zoey could take some lessons. And mostly, gotta love a man who takes off the black hat to kiss you, just like Tim McGraw in my dreams – only Tim is never that awkward. But on the other hand, it’s kind of skeevy that he’s letting Scarlett on tour because of Rayna. Something about him just rubs me a little bit the wrong way. We’ll see…apparently next week he’ll be rubbing Rayna the right way…which is a good thing, because there really just isn’t enough sex on this show.

• Megan: B

That’s right, she is getting her own grade this week. She wins the “most likely to be my friend” award. I think she’s the ONLY one on this show I could ever actually be friends with. However, someone that cool does NOT, I repeat NOT, date a man like Deacon. Of course, smart, successful women are sometimes drawn to the lost puppies of the world. Remember when I dated the guy who delivered pizzas? As a 26-year-old? And she is clearly more threatened by Rayna than she lets on…methinks the lady doth protest too much.

• The Polo Match: A

They needed a party to get all the principals together in pretty clothes and were sick of concerts and awards shows? I know, let’s have a POLO match, because that’s SO popular in Tennessee. The stomping of the Divots totally reminded me of Pretty Woman. “Beware of the steaming divots!” However, the hats were well worth it.

• Juliette: C

Hate, hate this side of your character. But I am fascinated by the dichotomy between her background and his. I just wish they hadn’t beat us over the head with it (look at how at home I am jamming with the stable boys!) And her fascinator was, well, fascinating. I don’t think Kate Middleton will be shaking in her boots anytime soon, though.

• Teddy: C

As excited as I am about his “Music City Music Festival of Musical Musicians’ Music”…marrying Peggy NEXT WEEK? Nothing says shotgun like that. Classy. But he didn’t start seeing her until “well after” his divorce three weeks ago, right?

• Scarlett: A

Her song was amazing, in an episode that was severely lacking in the music department. And I do love her with Avery (see next bullet) but are Gunnar and Avery the only two single guys in Nashville? In any case, I liked the character growth of her being so much more comfortable with the media guys at the end, and the detail of having her watch Rayna do her interview. I think this is an interesting relationship to watch, especially considering Rayna’s history with good old Uncle Deacon.

• Avery “Handcuffs of Gold” Barkley: A

Other than his horrendous relationship with Gunnar, for which he earns an F-, I really like everything about his character. He’s grown up, and he knows who he is. I actually really would like to see him and Scarlett get back together now, Golden Hancuffs and all. As long as they both ditch Zoey and Gunnar. We never really saw them happy last season, I was surprised how nice it was.

• Zoey: F

“I feel like this slutty terrible friend.” That’s because YOU ARE! And then going back to Gunnar right away was like the acceptance speech of the Worst Friend award. “I’d like to thank Scarlett and Avery for having one hot, confusing sack-romp that makes me feel less guilty about kissing her ex 10 ft away from where she’s singing on stage.” Let’s look at the bright side, at least she knows who she is and owns it.

• Gunnar: F

Go away. Nothing you did in this episode was worth discussing. Your friendship with Avery disturbs and confuses me.

• Charlie the Vampire: D

Ok, recently learned this guy was an evil Twilight vampire. And a well-cast one at that! Honey, I’m sorry you’re unhappy in your marriage, but that is what divorce is for. And how do you totally miss your wife walking in on you? I understand how riveting it is to bite HP’s neck, but you don’t hear the beep and click of the hotel key, really? You’re kind of scum. I know it’s intriguing that Juliette doesn’t NEED you but…ok, enough said.

• Jeff/Layla/Peggy: A

For not being in this episode. Done, and done. I like the way they’re portraying Jeff as an evil genius. However, as much as Rayna bitches about him you just KNOW they’re going to do it eventually.

• Will: D

For not being in this one. While lately you’ve been completely annoying me most of the time, turns out I missed you!

• The Stellas: “Incomplete”

I am incomplete without you. Come back, girls, come back! You complete me! (Side note: read online that Connie Britton apparently had that role in the bag, had screen tested with Tom Cruise and everything, had flown her out to LA, and they finally told her there was just one more new, unknown actress they were going to take a quick look at….Renee Zellweger. Thanks, Wikipedia!)

• Music: D

Scarlett's song was good. There really wasn't any more music, other than the stable boy band and Deacon's plunky piano. Fail!

“What a frenzied moment that was, didn’t they maintain an exhausting pace? ‘Twas a thrilling, absolutely chilling running of the [Belle Meade Polo Match]!”

(Point of fact: I was in My Fair Lady in high school and was in the chorus in the Ascot scene and got to wear a fabulous big hat!)

Next week: Rayna shoots guns! (Maybe at Gunnar????) And gets Lucky! Juliette continues her insouciance towards her dalliance with a married man. Olivia grows a personality! Gunnar and Zoey Spiderman-kiss.