Nashville Report Card: Season 2, Episode 7

Nashville Week 7: “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.”

We’re back in Sexytown this week, where we experiment with different coping mechanisms.

Rage? Check.

Denial? Check.

Scheming and backstabbing? Check.

Avoidance? Check.

Moping? Check.

Recklessness and Sexyfuntimes? Check.

Violence? Check.

Acceptance? Check.

On to the good stuff…this week’s grades!

• Rayna: A+

She gets 100 million Tami Taylor points for excellence in Mom-ship. (Except we all know the great Texan Tami Taylor is, indeed, a “gun girl.”) I will say, she has pretty good aim for someone who hasn’t shot a gun in 30 years. Teddy: watch yo-self! The whole Luke thing actually seemed perfect considering it was Teddy’s wedding day, and I decided I don’t hate them together. I like that they have the same background, both personal and professional. I could stand to watch this play out a little longer. However, not sure it will considering the looks she gave Deacon the whole time at the Bluebird….well, they get their own grade now, see below for more on that. But I LOVE-loved her “Mama Bear” routine. Deacon, you mess with Maddie, she’ll cut you!

• Rayna wardrobe: A-

Other than the dress that somehow managed to look like a grandma’s nightgown fashioned Project-Runway-style from the closet of Luke Danes, I liked it. The paucity of sparkles was a refreshing change of pace. The hair was of course fabulous, I don’t even need to give it a grade anymore. There aren’t enough plusses in the world for that A.

• Rayna/Deacon: A

SexyTrueLoveEyes are BACK! I can’t wait until the report card title is “Reunited and it Feels so Good!” because you KNOW it’s going to happen now that she’s watching her daughter fall in love with him. She’s going to see all the good things, and forget the bad, and forget that she is a giant enabler. It will lead to happy times for the viewers at home. I would watch a show that was entirely Deacon and Rayna cuddling and singing songs, wouldn’t you?

• Juliette: A-

OK, nice is a color that goes with everything, even if it isn’t your most flattering hue – like black. Wear it, Jules, wear it. I like that she stands up for herself, but I liked her better when she had Avery as a conscience. I still really enjoy watching her, I’m never quite sure what she’ll do. Probably the only truly surprising character on this show. And her hair was exceptionally good this episode.

• Glenn: A

For “I’m not going to like what happens next, am I?” It’s sad he’s not getting so much air time this season. Maybe because he has to share a toupee with “Campaign Flashback Cyrus” on Scandal and they keep having to fly it back and forth from L.A.

• VampCharlie: C+

The man who fired Santa Claus. Great, now all the Twi-hards will hate him, too and they are a group I definitely don’t want to be on the bad side of. Anyway, saved from an F only by a) having a hot accent and b) kind of standing up for Juliette. I mean, I actually like that he wanted to help her. And I got the feeling that it was more because he didn’t agree with what Santa was doing, not just to get on Juliette’s good side.

• Olivia: F

As in “what the F?” Did I accidentally switch to Orange is the New Black? Most random thing ever, although did get me to yell “Oh my goodness!” out loud at my TV which henceforth has been reserved only for the last five minutes of Scandal each week. I actually almost didn’t catch it, what with being distracted by the giant SHARK swimming around in the water. Seriously?

• Stellas: B

Like 10 seconds of them singing but we heard Deacon’s stupid song 3 or 4 times? BOO. BOOOOOOO. And where did Daphne stay when Rayna picked up Maddie? Are they taking her on their honeymoon? Maybe Juliette will have to go pick her up from a gas station, too…

• Maddie: A

Sullen teenager can get old fast, but I kind of liked it even if she was a little too manic-depressive for me. Sure, I get teenagers are moody and can turn on a dime; but she flew the Concorde from sullen to thrilled in this episode. (Don’t forget, Maddie: the Concorde crash-landed in a fiery blaze…) But her scene with Deacon at the end was so awkwardly precious and believable that I wanted to reach into my TV and hug her.

• Teddy: B

I actually liked him this episode despite the fact he married Dumbo. Mostly I loved his conversation with Maddie. I think he’s saying the right things, but also giving her space to work out this whole new dynamic. He’s actually a good father, and I think a good man. A dumb man, but a good one.

• Peggy: F

As always. The big neon sign flashing “ME ME ME” over her head is enough. I love KWP (well, I love Brad, so I love her by extension) but this character is RUINING her for me. What happened to sweet Annie Banks? And what was that wedding dress? UGH! Tim Gunn does NOT approve.

• Deacon: A

Other than the awkward “I don’t know how to sing” gag with Avery (oddly reminiscent of his Whose Line days) and the annoying song we heard three times, I liked him this episode. I loved that after Rayna’s visit he was like “Must do something with myself: stat!” But when they found out it was a comedy open night mic was I the only one who was like “You’re an improve comedian! Whose Line Hoedown! Come on!”

• Avery: B

Our favorite unlikely sidekick, perfect for situations where one of the somewhat friend-less characters needs someone to talk to. My official status on his relationship with Scarlett has gone to “don’t care.” But all that and I still really like him. Loved him with Deacon, such a weird dynamic for so many reasons.

• Scarlett: C-

Your lack of confidence is getting old.  If you don’t want this job, don’t take it. “What, you mean I have to get on stage and sing in front of people? Woe is me!” And now Gunnar is on her tour bus? Contrivance! Why don’t they ask Rayna and Deacon what that’s like, I’m sure they never got up to any tour bus hijinks… At least her hair is under control, even if still a bit scraggly. Now if we could just get her to stop shopping at Justice and/or the juniors section at Kohl’s, she’d be set.

• Luke “Wheel[er] of Fortune”: B

I actually thought he was a little less skeevy this episode, even if he did play Rayna like a fiddle. He seems to me like one of those guys who just cannot be alone, but he does seem to truly care for Rayna. He’s like Jason Stiles to Deacon’s Luke Danes. Verdict postponed. Like I said, I can stand to watch this play out a little. Plus I love horses: points for that.

• Gunnar: D

Saved from an F only to have the balls to wheel and deal with Jeff. I did have fun yelling “Don’t give him your song!” at the TV, but it didn’t stop me from rolling my eyes every time he came on screen. And since apparently there are only two country music tours in the entire US of A, he and Scarlett were bound to be on the same bus eventually. Except…did Jeff maybe know about their history and do it to eff with him? Seems Jeff-like.

• Zoey: F

She has a last name!!!! I don’t even remember what it was, but at least now we know she isn’t like Cher or Madonna or something. Still slutty terrible friend. Is she supposed to be interesting?

• Will: D

Poor confused Will. In honor of no-shave November, Will gets a beard! And violence, oh the violence. Didn’t his momma teach him that hitting people doesn’t solve problems? I’m sure those guys know exactly why he tackled them, too. Good move. Anyway, we get it, he doesn’t want to come out. We can add this to the storylines getting old. Seriously, was there ANY development this week? Someone give this guy a rainbow flag and a parade!

• Layla: F

                I don’t like her enough to care. Apparently neither does Will, which at least gives me hope.

• Jeff: C

                Go back to your lair and stop mucking things up. No one likes you! No one!

Next week: People throw things at Scarlett, just like I’ve wanted to do for months. Better start warming up my arm…

Nashville Report Card: Season 2, Episode 6

Nashville Week 6: “What a Smashing Positively Dashing Spectacle, the [Belle Meade] Opening Day”

“Pulses Rushing…Faces Flushing…Heartbeats Speed Up….I Have Never Been so Keyed up!!!!”

Anyway, Wikipedia says that bell means the report card is about to start!

This week we have the episode where the characters got to the table read and apparently threw their keys in a bowl. Seriously, if there is this much action to be had in Nashville, maybe I should consider a move?

• Rayna “Big Hat” Jaymes: B

First of all, a lady of your age and status should not giggle on a Robin Roberts interview. But kudos to you for putting it out there to get what you want. A woman with a fierce independent streak will always get points in my book. And her “warning” to Juliette seemed right on point to me…as much as Juliette doesn’t like it, Rayna is kind of a mentor/childhood idol. It’s nice to have her kind of be the voice of conscience…that gets ignored. And Ray gets a million sister points. I love her relationship with Tandy. Interested to see what happens when she learns Tandy is the Wyatt Family Mole.

• Rayna’s Hair and Wardrobe: A

Don’t worry, Ray, I have a tortured love/hate relationship with big hats, too. I love the clothes she wears around her house to have coffee. I mean, that’s my usual outfit too, if you replace real fashion with sweat pants and use dog hair as your primary accessory. Her dress was gorgeous though (Tandy’s was horrible! Looked like a Grandma's couch!) and her hair, flawless as always. Liked Rayna's white hat vs. Tandy's black hat. This, the show where they take metaphors and then bang you over the head with them.

• Freakin’ Deacon “No Snails or Sushi” Claybourne: B

Insert sad, plunky piano here. Your hand is busted, but you’re right – you got another! So stop making me feel sorry for you. You have a hot lady friend who walks around your house half-dressed, no visible responsibility, and apparently enough money to make that work. That sounds like the jackpot! Just keep taking that shirt off. Although the suit was great. Mmmmmm, good man in a suit.

• Rayna/Deacon: F

They didn’t look like they wanted to throw themselves at each other at all! Awkward and uncomfortable does not work for them…it wasn’t even the sexy tension where they make distraught eyes at each other. True Love Fail!

• Luke “Hands off the” Wheeler: C+

First off, I thought of a very similar nickname LAST WEEK and didn't use it and now look how I am re-payed, upstaged by the writers! Anyway, am I supposed to like him? I can’t tell if he’s awesome or skeevy. The accent is so fake it’s hard to look past it. And seriously, Ray, how did that kiss surprise you? He did everything right, he did exactly what the book said. He let his actions speak. That’s the romantic way to do this, damnit! (OK, I hope more than ONE of you will get that) I love that he checked with D (or started to) to see if he and Ray were through…Zoey could take some lessons. And mostly, gotta love a man who takes off the black hat to kiss you, just like Tim McGraw in my dreams – only Tim is never that awkward. But on the other hand, it’s kind of skeevy that he’s letting Scarlett on tour because of Rayna. Something about him just rubs me a little bit the wrong way. We’ll see…apparently next week he’ll be rubbing Rayna the right way…which is a good thing, because there really just isn’t enough sex on this show.

• Megan: B

That’s right, she is getting her own grade this week. She wins the “most likely to be my friend” award. I think she’s the ONLY one on this show I could ever actually be friends with. However, someone that cool does NOT, I repeat NOT, date a man like Deacon. Of course, smart, successful women are sometimes drawn to the lost puppies of the world. Remember when I dated the guy who delivered pizzas? As a 26-year-old? And she is clearly more threatened by Rayna than she lets on…methinks the lady doth protest too much.

• The Polo Match: A

They needed a party to get all the principals together in pretty clothes and were sick of concerts and awards shows? I know, let’s have a POLO match, because that’s SO popular in Tennessee. The stomping of the Divots totally reminded me of Pretty Woman. “Beware of the steaming divots!” However, the hats were well worth it.

• Juliette: C

Hate, hate this side of your character. But I am fascinated by the dichotomy between her background and his. I just wish they hadn’t beat us over the head with it (look at how at home I am jamming with the stable boys!) And her fascinator was, well, fascinating. I don’t think Kate Middleton will be shaking in her boots anytime soon, though.

• Teddy: C

As excited as I am about his “Music City Music Festival of Musical Musicians’ Music”…marrying Peggy NEXT WEEK? Nothing says shotgun like that. Classy. But he didn’t start seeing her until “well after” his divorce three weeks ago, right?

• Scarlett: A

Her song was amazing, in an episode that was severely lacking in the music department. And I do love her with Avery (see next bullet) but are Gunnar and Avery the only two single guys in Nashville? In any case, I liked the character growth of her being so much more comfortable with the media guys at the end, and the detail of having her watch Rayna do her interview. I think this is an interesting relationship to watch, especially considering Rayna’s history with good old Uncle Deacon.

• Avery “Handcuffs of Gold” Barkley: A

Other than his horrendous relationship with Gunnar, for which he earns an F-, I really like everything about his character. He’s grown up, and he knows who he is. I actually really would like to see him and Scarlett get back together now, Golden Hancuffs and all. As long as they both ditch Zoey and Gunnar. We never really saw them happy last season, I was surprised how nice it was.

• Zoey: F

“I feel like this slutty terrible friend.” That’s because YOU ARE! And then going back to Gunnar right away was like the acceptance speech of the Worst Friend award. “I’d like to thank Scarlett and Avery for having one hot, confusing sack-romp that makes me feel less guilty about kissing her ex 10 ft away from where she’s singing on stage.” Let’s look at the bright side, at least she knows who she is and owns it.

• Gunnar: F

Go away. Nothing you did in this episode was worth discussing. Your friendship with Avery disturbs and confuses me.

• Charlie the Vampire: D

Ok, recently learned this guy was an evil Twilight vampire. And a well-cast one at that! Honey, I’m sorry you’re unhappy in your marriage, but that is what divorce is for. And how do you totally miss your wife walking in on you? I understand how riveting it is to bite HP’s neck, but you don’t hear the beep and click of the hotel key, really? You’re kind of scum. I know it’s intriguing that Juliette doesn’t NEED you but…ok, enough said.

• Jeff/Layla/Peggy: A

For not being in this episode. Done, and done. I like the way they’re portraying Jeff as an evil genius. However, as much as Rayna bitches about him you just KNOW they’re going to do it eventually.

• Will: D

For not being in this one. While lately you’ve been completely annoying me most of the time, turns out I missed you!

• The Stellas: “Incomplete”

I am incomplete without you. Come back, girls, come back! You complete me! (Side note: read online that Connie Britton apparently had that role in the bag, had screen tested with Tom Cruise and everything, had flown her out to LA, and they finally told her there was just one more new, unknown actress they were going to take a quick look at….Renee Zellweger. Thanks, Wikipedia!)

• Music: D

Scarlett's song was good. There really wasn't any more music, other than the stable boy band and Deacon's plunky piano. Fail!

“What a frenzied moment that was, didn’t they maintain an exhausting pace? ‘Twas a thrilling, absolutely chilling running of the [Belle Meade Polo Match]!”

(Point of fact: I was in My Fair Lady in high school and was in the chorus in the Ascot scene and got to wear a fabulous big hat!)

Next week: Rayna shoots guns! (Maybe at Gunnar????) And gets Lucky! Juliette continues her insouciance towards her dalliance with a married man. Olivia grows a personality! Gunnar and Zoey Spiderman-kiss.

Nashville Report Card: Season 2, Episode 5

I don’t own the characters or the show or the places or the music or, really, anything. The only thing that’s mine are the opinions - and a case of 2-Buck Chuck.

Episode 5: “Gunnar Pleeeease, Don’t Bang the Girl”

So this week we have a Miraculous Recovery, a Back-Stabbing Betrayal, another Back-Stabbing Betrayal, and no fewer than 3 Dastardly Deeds. And one hot, shirtless man. (Seriously, ABC, can’t we up this?)

Rayna: A

#WELCOMEBACKRAYNA. Is it me or was the coma good for her voice? Someone has been taking their voice lessons seriously (thank you, CB.) I really liked her song, too, and rushed out to buy it on iTunes. Loved the “Wyatt Side of Rayna Jaymes” - except by “Wyatt side” she didn’t mean the ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners, cutthroat business deals side….she meant “Daddy’s money.” Weak!

Rayna’s Wardrobe: C

Stop making her tuck sleeveless shirts into skinny jeans. She is a good-looking lady, but that is NOT a good look for her. Saved from an F- only by the hair, which was predictably gorgeous.

Deacon/Rayna: B

As happy as I am that their confusing, angsty conversations are back, why is he just barging into her house? WTF? Wasn’t it like 2 episodes ago she was all “I don’t know if I’ll ever talk to him again,” and now she’s like “Oh cool, you’re suddenly in my house. But you’re not an axe murderer, so how’s your hand?” He’s just so concerned about her not singing again! Must get there quickly! No time for knocking! I think if my fresh-off-the-wagon babby-daddy and I were on the outs, I would not react the same way - my way would involve more yelling and possibly the police. Plus, what if Liam was there? Awk-ward. Actually, speaking of…

Liam: F

Again, Failure to Appear. In Europe? (Just in case we needed to be reminded that he’s Not Country. Everyone knows Europe is lousy with rock stars! Rock n Roll!!!!) Hasn’t anyone told him Rayna’s bed isn’t in Europe? Oh well, maybe that’s where he gets the best deals on fedoras and skinny scarves.

Juliette: A

The one where she discovers what friendship means. Oh, I really like this platonic Avery thing they have going on, and I’ll be disappointed if the writers take it to the bedroom. Someone has to teach her what friendship is all about. She didn’t even fight him on the not-coming-on-tour thing. And as much as I totally agree with her clear sentiments that Rayna should have had her back with Luke, I like that she has a reason for some friction with Rayna again. This show will be totally boring if they’re buddies French-braiding each other’s hair and making crank calls together and stuff. In any case, this is the character I enjoy watching the most.

Deacon: B overall, A+++ for Shirtless!Deacon!

He only kind of hated himself this episode. He actually smiled a little with lawyer-lady, which made me like her a little more. Plus I liked her for the whole no-makeup/t-shirt thing. And gave an excuse for Shirtless!Deacon! for which I’ll be eternally grateful. (If you don’t think I rewound the DVR and watched that at least 3 times then you’re nuts.) However, I revert to last week’s assessment: Megan is way too good for him. Back to Deacon. The guitar store thing was weird, they never followed up on it. Makes sense, but…the song with Scarlett was Awesome. Capital A. There’s still hope!

Scarlett: A

Finally they did something with her clothes and hair that wasn’t terrible! Yay! But this whole “I’m a country bumpkin as soon as a camera is on me” just doesn’t ring true for some reason. Sure, she is shy, but it’s over-played. Pretty sure the director told her to “Act as much like a scared chipmunk as you can.” Love that she is living with Deacon. That song was pure. Gold. From Rayna’s shampoo bottle.

Gunnar/Zoey: CHILTON F

The title of this report card says it all. NO NO NO NO NO. And forming the “We’ve All Screwed Scarlett” Trio? Ok, I liked their song but, seriously? Avery and Gunnar are all friends now? LAME. And apparently when they said they needed a female voice to round out the sound, all they meant was to sing a couple la-la’s? Oh, and Zoey re-earned her status as Worst. Friend. Ever. Does Scarlett have any inkling this is going on? So many questions. So many terrible answers. I give up.

Avery: B+

For everything except being friends with Gunnar, for which he earns F-. Apparently next week he’ll take his place in the “Screw Scarlett Trio” literally. I respect him staying true to himself and not going back out on the road so he could work on his own music, but won’t he make a LOT more money out on the road? Does he have NO free time during the day to do other stuff? Maybe he just doesn’t want to be Deacon when he grows up…

Will: A-

As much as I want to hate him, he’s the one on this show I’m “Most Likely to Go See in Concert.” You know I love me some big black-hat country singers… J As unhappy as I was with what happened to Scarlett, I do think he genuinely has her back, he’s just too chicken-S*%t to do anything about it. He definitely isn’t all over the Layla bandwagon, and he gets points for that. And honestly, I don’t feel bad for him with Gunnar. You can’t be expected to join someone else’s self-hosted pity party, and he’s not lording his success over Gunnar…if anything, he’s trying to find a way to include Gunnar in it. (Maybe the Gunnar stuff should go with last week’s but no take-backs.)

Layla: D

Smart girls are MEAN. What she did to Scarlett, who isn’t really even competition to her, unforgiveable! And now I hate her for deferring Harvard to do this. And #LaylaandWill? I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she opens a storeroom closet door and finds Will and Brent going at it, as we know they will eventually do.

Jeff: C

Mustache-twirling, DB perfection. Someone has to be the bad guy, he’s just happy to oblige. I read somewhere they brought him on to be a love interest for Rayna but that would make me seriously sad. She is smarter than that. (Of course, I dated a DB named Jeff, too, so can I really judge?) At least he kept his shirt fully buttoned this week. And I have a hard time believing Scarlett’s bumbling was more embarrassing than him pulling her off the red carpet. I mean, that just makes HIM look bad.

Lamar: B

Score one point for JennRidd for totally calling “Orange is the New Power Suit.” Looking forward to watching him obliterate Teddy from behind bars. There’s always money in the banana stand. No touching!

Tandy: B

Love that she’s letting Teddy take the fall. Love that they’re giving her a storyline. She could have an A if only they would show her with Bucky because I love them together.

The Stellas: C

BOO no Stellas. Love those girls. I would normally give them an F for not appearing but I saw Daphne’s little face breaking into tears in my mind and upped it to a C just for being adorable.

Luke Wheeler: C

Hey! It’s that guy from Smash! So apparently he’s going to be another love interest for Rayna? HooBoy. How many episodes until the Report Card Title is “Round Round Get Around, I Get Around”???? I could go either way here. Wish he had a little less fake country-boy drawl.

Music: A!!!!

Finally! I downloaded more than one song! Loved it all, even the Avery/Gunnar one.

Next Week….we all reenact scenes from Pretty Woman! Who’s excited?

(Report Card Title: From Tim McGraw’s “Don’t Take the Girl.” We all knew it was just a matter of time until I used a Tim song…)

The one where I start blogging...

The first thing you need to know about me is that my life is incredibly boring. However, a friend recently encouraged me to start this and who am I to let my friends down? I in no way think that the internet cares all that much about my life, but it will be fun to have a place to keep family and friends up to date on my running trips and crafty endeavors.

A bit about me, in case you stumbled upon this by accident.

• I'm an engineer. That should tell you 90% of what you need to know.
• I live in Texas, but I'm not from Texas. Debate amongst yourselves whether this makes me Texan or not.
• I run marathons. For fun. (And also so I can keep eating cookies.) Usually I travel for my races, mostly so I can say things like "I went to Paris to run a marathon." Also, my crazy friends convince me to go with them. I cannot promise there will not be posts about missing toenails and other runner woes, but hey - no one is making you read this.
• I quilt. No, I'm not 80, I just like having an outlet for my creative juices that also involves math and straight lines and thinking about how things are put together. Plus, fabric is pretty and quilts make great gifts, and if I'm sewing it puts a stop on the tortilla chip conveyor belt running between the bag and my mouth. There will be pretty fabric pictures.
• I like TV. There will be snarky TV posts. In my next life I will be a recapper on TWOP.
• I love my dog and my cat. I'm not above posting cute pet pictures. Plus, my cat is a ham and will somehow find a way to get in every picture I take. What can I say? Consider it my personal version of "Where's Waldo?"
• I read a lot. In my world, books are considered friends. I have been buying more and more e-books, but they just don't smell as good as the real stuff - kind of like decaf coffee. Don't judge, you like weird things, too!

OK, here goes!